Who knew that what happens in high school really does effect you? Four or five years ago, right? Now I am married. I have a little baby with a feeding tube (temporarily, I hope)... And I can't stop hating September. I hate the way the weather feels. I hate the smells. I hate the feelings... I hate hating it too. I wish you could bury every pain you ever felt. That way, you wouldn't ever have to know you felt it, right?
Sometimes I think it is fading, and sometimes I think it will never stop feeling like a fresh cut. Like the instant second after you sliced your wrist when the stinging is the worst, and you feel the best. You feel nothing, really. Because that's all you have to think about. Blood is satisfying, the stinging is satisfying.
Don't worry, I haven't started the old habit back up again. I am seriously wondering what to do with all this stress though. It just boils over into pure uncontrollable anger, and I have no idea what to do with it. Getting drunk temporarily helped for a while, but I hate drinking. Sex would help if I didn't get stuck with my mind in the past every time a touch doesn't feel safe.
Why doesn't it? Who am I to be so broken inside? I have a God, I have a Savior, and yet I still fight every day. People act like that is not okay, but I think it's part of the process. I fight like hell to be okay. I fight like hell to keep myself from hurting the people I love. I fight like hell not to think that it would be okay to give up.
I would desperately love counseling. I would love pills from a doctor to help with this... But with no insurance you really have no options that direction.
So I fight like hell.
hello everyone. I'm still alive. I thought I'd let you know that.
I'm doing good. Great, compared to things I've been reading here.
I really have changed. I'm 18. Woohoo.
That's cool, right?
I have a car, a license, and sort of a job.
Its hard to sleep. I wish I was getting ready for college right now. I really do. But I got accepted, and I guess that'll have to be enough for this year. Next year, I'll have the money, I hope. Next year I'll go to college and start becoming what I want to be.
The question is... What do I want to be? Who do I want to be?
I can't do a whole lot. I can't do anything extraordinarily well.
Well. I'll have to pray on this for a while- as the heat melts everything away. Gosh. I'm ready for the temperature to go down. *shouts* GOD!? Did ya hear that?!
Well. I guess I'd better try for sleep again. Night everyone.
I wanted to let you all know that I've graduated. I thought it was some pretty exciting news :). I graduated May 30th at 5:30 pm. It was wonderful. Who could imagine I'd graduate on time. No, I wasn't prom queen or class speaker, but I was still surrounded by a large support system of wonderful friends, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I'd better get off to bed. I have a graduation party tomorrow.
Oh yes... I have a boyfriend now too :). He's simply wonderful... Although I know he has some serious weaknesses, as do I- but even more, he's kind- and he watches me carefully to see if I'm comfortable in all situations. He's my protector. I love it :).
I've read Speak? I read it all last night following the midnight festival. I read the last section this morning...
It seems like every time I've read it I've expected something else to happen when I get to the end, of course nothing ever does, but it seems like if I think it enough, it will have.
When I was reading it last night, I got to the detention part (ISS) and I remembered my days in detention. I've had two of them this year.
The first time, for a tardy, and of course, Tim was in it with me. It was disgusting. He was laughing and having a grand old time. I can't stand it if he's sitting behind me, honestly. I'd like to sit behind him and laugh at his half-retarded-ness.
Second time, I was alone.
I thought it was weird that the book gave the same basic outline. Two detentions. One with, one with-out him.
Ahh well. He's gone now. I wrote the above entry months ago. But it was saved- so it came up this time. I don't want to put the words to waste. I'm very sick right now. I'm beginning to develop a second infection (I think pneumonia) and I just feel like a chewed piece of meat. Yucky. My head hurts hardcore. My lungs and throat feel like they've been slid across nails. Ouch.
I hate being sick. I expected to get sick at least a few times. After all, I am Julia.
Talk to you later <3