||[Sep. 26th, 2010|12:43 am]
Who knew that what happens in high school really does effect you? Four or five years ago, right? Now I am married. I have a little baby with a feeding tube (temporarily, I hope)... And I can't stop hating September. I hate the way the weather feels. I hate the smells. I hate the feelings... I hate hating it too. I wish you could bury every pain you ever felt. That way, you wouldn't ever have to know you felt it, right?|
Sometimes I think it is fading, and sometimes I think it will never stop feeling like a fresh cut. Like the instant second after you sliced your wrist when the stinging is the worst, and you feel the best. You feel nothing, really. Because that's all you have to think about. Blood is satisfying, the stinging is satisfying.
Don't worry, I haven't started the old habit back up again. I am seriously wondering what to do with all this stress though. It just boils over into pure uncontrollable anger, and I have no idea what to do with it. Getting drunk temporarily helped for a while, but I hate drinking. Sex would help if I didn't get stuck with my mind in the past every time a touch doesn't feel safe.
Why doesn't it? Who am I to be so broken inside? I have a God, I have a Savior, and yet I still fight every day. People act like that is not okay, but I think it's part of the process. I fight like hell to be okay. I fight like hell to keep myself from hurting the people I love. I fight like hell not to think that it would be okay to give up.
I would desperately love counseling. I would love pills from a doctor to help with this... But with no insurance you really have no options that direction.
So I fight like hell.